Cleavage 4

Repugnant.

Brief moments ago we were one. All that was felt was that one. It was one image in time and space. There was lust. And greedily I satiated it.

Our bodies met in all magnitude. And she wasn't so real to me. Martha. The fungus feeding on my rotten flesh. Now I truly feel her. I don't feel the heat between two bodies. Now there's only me and her. And it stings my senses this awareness of an alien body attached to mine. Martha my abortion. I want to shake her off. Cut all cords. Wash my body and mind. Watching her dissolve into the water and disappear through the drain. Martha Martha Martha Martha Martha Martha Martha Martha Martha. Fuck you Martha!

Martha fucker.

Ha.

Why are we drawn to dead animals? Why do we poke them with a stick? Why do we glorify their entrails?

Is she the dead animal I wonder. Or am I the one about to die. I feel sick. In the head. I want to kick her. I want to get rid of her. I want to bag her and bury her somewhere. This is my humiliation and I should not be reminded of it anymore. I don't want her skin on mine anymore. It stinks. Stinks of sweat and no self respect.

"What are you thinking?"

What is suppose to be a tender smile seems to me an imploring stare. Take pity on me, her eyes cry out. And I want to. I want to end her misery and therefore end mine. I want to shoot her in that pathetic smile.

"Nothing."

I'm a Martha fucker. Ha. God.

"I'm so happy you came!"

Just disappear.

"It was great. You were great."

Stop scrounging for pleasantries.

"You ARE great!"

Just shut up!

Why am I smiling back at her?! I spew at my own hypocrisy. I should just end it right here. And let her have her anger. She has a right to it.

No.

No.

She doesn't!

A being so idiotic has no right to anger. That right must be taken with one's bare hands. And she hasn't got the brain for it. She can't even grasp the idea of self-respect.

Why did I come here?

"Listen, is it okay if I have a shower?"

"Of course honey. Can I come? Hm?"

That would defeat the god damn purpose of the shower now wouldn't it you stupid bitch?!

"Yeah that'd be great but I need to hurry up. I, hm, I need, I need to go. I had completely forgotten about this thing with a friend of mine."

"Oh.."

"Yeah, he's in a really shitty situation right now. Family problems, work problems, girl problems, everything basically."

"Oh, poor thing. And you're going to the rescue? You're such a sweet friend."

Are you that fucking stupid or do you think acting this naive is charming?!

"Yeah, you know. So.. Yeah, I have to hurry up."

Hurry up to the shower. To skin myself. To rinse all the foreign fluids in my body. To intoxicate the water pipes with the stench of you.

Darling You're a Star

I'm walking to where the sun does rise
what are you all if not my surprise

just lock and load
and sock the toad

someone's scrambling eggs up in the sky
someone, something, somewhere I don't know why

there's a big tip under the jar
just a nip so you can't go far

drunk and nauseous on your flower powerless
you come in pinkyellowblue, oh you fluoresce

all this you get to choose from
oh oh excited oh oh clap clap dumb

Crapshooter

drowning
your legs shaped like number four
you're losing all and a bit more
with your eyes set on number eight
and now it's late
and now it's late

frowning
all is good when it fits in a jar
sleeping six figurines in the back of a car
you put it down for the long brown tail
and now you wail
and now you wail

squinting
the man at the shop is now married twice
he's got your ring, you have the rice
watching memories on battered dust
now run you must
now run you must

Don't Be a Whino

I am done for
I am one for

grapes and beads around your neck
I stare at their course with all due respect
theirs is closer
our's too far
swarming around around around

some say grapes when crushed make wine
so is that why, is that why you whine
as I get closer
I was too far
orbiting around around around

forgive my case of winecrophilia
now that I'm drunk, I'm gonna feel ya
and suck on the last crushed grape
your neck is in the worse state

but I love you just the way you are
(dead, soaked in wine, in the back of my car)

Cleavage 3

This is a mess. It's revolting. I wake up and go to sleep surrounded by filth and abandon. I'm an orphan of life. I breathe and I rot.

If I was to die in my sleep it would be such a decadent sight to the one who'd find my naked body in bed, between sheets of sweat, sperm and spit. The three magic Ss. And who would that be exactly? My landlord complaining about the rent? The neighbours complaining about the stench? A thief in the night complaining about the amount of worthless shit I've always found hard to get rid of and that currently reside on top of every flat surface in the house?

What do I care? It's not disturbing enough to make me change so I guess it's just not disturbing at all. Not in my sick, coward mind.

In a few years I'm part of a great group of people that get together to share life experience. And we love one another. We live in harmony. We sing in harmony. We are all gifted people with much hunger for knowledge. And every odd day we throw caution to the wind and have a ball. Skin dances with skin and skin and skin and skin and tongue. And we're all part of something beautiful. A glorious all powerful being that breathes and thinks and makes mistakes and learns from them. An organism that loves. A love unashamed and unreserved. With a heart that's unbreakable and impervious to jealousy, doubt or fear.

Yes.

No.

Fucking dreams will be the end of me.

Where did I put her number... Oh.

"Hey Martha, yeah it's me.
...
So you're still home?
...
Yeah, I'll be there in twenty.
...
Yeah, right, see you soon."

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

Lover sounds distressed,
she's hearing things and
believing

in the back of her mind,
there's fear
knitting

her soul is aging
she's seen too much
she wants to lie in trust
she wants to lie in trust

Lover sounds distressed,
birds singing sound like
screaming

once her world burnt,
skinned her heart while she was
dreaming

her heart's the liver
she drank too much
she wants to lie in trust
she wants to lie in trust

Old House

I feel I could snap my spine in two if I leaned back in a certain way. Applying just the right amount of pressure. I can even hear it. Feel it break. Not the pain, that will always be new to me. As those retarded creatures that are unable to learn by repetition. But I can feel it, as if it weren't my bones but someone else's held firmly by my hands. I can feel it break on my palms. It's such a pleasant feeling. Makes me so aware of life. Reminds me of all that is happening when nothing in fact is. Everything is so exaggerated. Every sound amplified. Like in a big old country mansion, late at night, the house becomes alive. It was of course always living and breathing but only then are you awaken to it. And you must embrace it. As I do. Drink all this life inside life itself. The pounding of the heart, the breathing, the slight hindrance in your breathing pipes provoking the air to whisper a very low almost silent tune through your mouth or nose. I hear my bones wearing out. One more cell dying. My skin recycling itself. I hear it all. I hear me whole. I am alive.

The Playhouse

She was thinking of me I'm sure. Now she'll put on a different act, a different mask but I can still see the incriminating glow in her eye. I'm sure she was thinking of me.

"What're you doing here?"

"I just thought I'd pay you a little visit"

Oh don't turn your back..

"I told you not to come."

"Yeah I know but I.."

"You can go now."

"Doll come on.."

Don't make me chase you, it's getting ridiculous.

"Close the door when you leave. And make it soon."

"Doll.."

"Goodbye James."

Oh get out of the bathroom. She thinks I'm gonna leave? She's hiding from me? Lord..

"Please, will you just come out so we can talk?"

I need to look her in the eyes to do this. I can't talk through a door. I need to know what she feels as every single one of my words crashes in her ears. I need to see it.

"Doll just come talk to me for a minute! Please!"

"I'm in the fucking bathroom James. Get the fuck out! There's nothing to talk about!"

"There is, you know there is! I messed up! I know!"

"Go away!!"

"I can't! You know I can't!! We deserve, you deserve to have me fighting for you! Fight for us!!"

"Oh shut up!"

"You deserve it!! You know.."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!"

Fuck.. I can only feel hate. Nothing more. This isn't good.

On the other hand, hate is strong. And that's good. Strong feelings are good.

"I'm sorry... I can't go..."

Door opening! Door opening! Her long fingers, her soft white arm with the tiny almost invisible yellow hairs only I know are there, her round sweet breasts, the flesh on her neck, her beautiful face.

"Quit the wimpy crap James. I've seen you put on your sorrowful bullshit show before."

Fuck. She's cold. And running off again. Come here. Look at me damnit!

"I love you! Look at me!! Just look at me! You know this is true!!"

Stop. Turn to me. Yes. Yes! Come to me! Yes!!

"James, listen hard, even if you do.."

"I do! You know I do! Look into my eyes!!"

"Listen! Even if you do, I don't give a shit! Understand? I don't care!"

"That's not true. You're just afraid of trusting me again. I know.."

I've never seen her like this. This coldness in her eyes. I can't get through that ice vest. Fuck!

"James, I'm calmly asking you to leave. So please leave now. Don't make me call the police."

FUCK!!

"Please leave now."

WHORE!!!

FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!

She closed the door behind me. Didn't even give time to NOT look back at her. FUCK!! What am I gonna do? This is bullshit. She couldn't be over me that quick. I've screwed up before and I fixed it. I can have her back. I know I can. Bitch. I can have her on her knees. Me looking down on her. As I have done before. With the power to crush her. I can do it. I want her crawling beneath my foot. I need her there. Right there.

No Sir

you don't have to be kind,
respect your killings

love is not required
a ring is quite enough

don't need to stretch out
your soft virginal hand

with blood of men
to help, but you can

and you can seek the sadness
behind her glazed eyes

but it's not your job to care
you say

and you say it right
true and honest

teeth were not made to smile